RUNNING AFTER...

its been long,very long since i felt like writing something with all my heart.

life always amazes me....it keeps flowing steadily besides me n many times i feel like a bystander....watching my own life,moving on.......sometimes with my jaws dropped.

i keep running...not towards something....but just among many things....something or someone is within my grasp n the other one slips away.

what does my heart want?

at times,i am the most confident person on this earth n then,out of the blue...it hurts.

initially i try n believe that the thing is not worth getting hurt over...but eventually i hv 2 accept that it keeps hurting,neverthless.

i cant let go anyone.i feel that the most difficult thing to achieve is people.
i make it extremely difficult for them to love me......but once in a while,someone dares n acts against all logic n common sense..n lets me enter his/her life.
i stick there n hold on with all my might.they think i am such a good n helping person.....they are right but i am helping myself...not them.

i am always on a look out for new relationships........i hv a crazy,insatiable thirst for them to like me as i am....the real me.
but everytime i peel the layers n reveal myself i get certain strong reactions........shock,lust,awe,confusion.....
never pity or disrespect,though....i dont think,anyone hs ever pitied me.....thankfully.

but then that person turns out to be a ''limited period offer''.

it isnt long before he/she collects his/her wits,n starts running in the opposite direction.
the worst part is...i start running behind...trying 2 catch...not being able 2 let go.

everytime,i sit down after that n analyse the situation.....break it into tiny pieces...n wonder what went wrong...n where?but no enlightenment comes my way.

that makes me pause n re-evaluate my life.....but as always life moves on leaving me.....alone, licking my wounds.

eventually,i get over it...but i seem unable 2 stop getting into this never ending cycle.....

sometimes i think,that i do it on purpose......testing people.....trying them out,how far can they take things.....i like people 2 hv open mind....

i also like 2 know,what people think of me.....not becoz,it matters 2 me......but coz i am very curious 2 know,what they pick out in me...

many times...i dont reveal myself completely n its fun 2 know,how many of my unrevealed things,ppl can guess....that ability screams greatness 2 me.

i hv never liked weak n backless humans.....every person,in however bad situation,can always make the situation better.....if not perfect......but that needs drive n determination n will 2 act.it also needs confidance n intelligence.anyone who is trying in this way,gains my respect.

i am also very fond of honesty.......if u hv guts 2 do something,u shd also hv guts 2 accept doing it...n vise versa.if someone asks me a frank n straight Qn.......however private or personal the subject is.......i always give a straight n honest answer.i think it takes guts 2 ask someone,something....frankly n those guts deserve respect n straight answer.

but its soooooooo difficult 2 find a match....hvnt found many ppl thinking the same.but i keep searching n hoping....many times i reject ppl n sometimes,they reject me.....they think i come on too hard...

true...but i keep testing the waters...n most of the times,if not always......i can smell a rotting relationship,days ahead......

it disappoints me a little but dsnt make me give up.....it was still fun,while it lasted.