RUNNING AFTER...

its been long,very long since i felt like writing something with all my heart.

life always amazes me....it keeps flowing steadily besides me n many times i feel like a bystander....watching my own life,moving on.......sometimes with my jaws dropped.

i keep running...not towards something....but just among many things....something or someone is within my grasp n the other one slips away.

what does my heart want?

at times,i am the most confident person on this earth n then,out of the blue...it hurts.

initially i try n believe that the thing is not worth getting hurt over...but eventually i hv 2 accept that it keeps hurting,neverthless.

i cant let go anyone.i feel that the most difficult thing to achieve is people.
i make it extremely difficult for them to love me......but once in a while,someone dares n acts against all logic n common sense..n lets me enter his/her life.
i stick there n hold on with all my might.they think i am such a good n helping person.....they are right but i am helping myself...not them.

i am always on a look out for new relationships........i hv a crazy,insatiable thirst for them to like me as i am....the real me.
but everytime i peel the layers n reveal myself i get certain strong reactions........shock,lust,awe,confusion.....
never pity or disrespect,though....i dont think,anyone hs ever pitied me.....thankfully.

but then that person turns out to be a ''limited period offer''.

it isnt long before he/she collects his/her wits,n starts running in the opposite direction.
the worst part is...i start running behind...trying 2 catch...not being able 2 let go.

everytime,i sit down after that n analyse the situation.....break it into tiny pieces...n wonder what went wrong...n where?but no enlightenment comes my way.

that makes me pause n re-evaluate my life.....but as always life moves on leaving me.....alone, licking my wounds.

eventually,i get over it...but i seem unable 2 stop getting into this never ending cycle.....

sometimes i think,that i do it on purpose......testing people.....trying them out,how far can they take things.....i like people 2 hv open mind....

i also like 2 know,what people think of me.....not becoz,it matters 2 me......but coz i am very curious 2 know,what they pick out in me...

many times...i dont reveal myself completely n its fun 2 know,how many of my unrevealed things,ppl can guess....that ability screams greatness 2 me.

i hv never liked weak n backless humans.....every person,in however bad situation,can always make the situation better.....if not perfect......but that needs drive n determination n will 2 act.it also needs confidance n intelligence.anyone who is trying in this way,gains my respect.

i am also very fond of honesty.......if u hv guts 2 do something,u shd also hv guts 2 accept doing it...n vise versa.if someone asks me a frank n straight Qn.......however private or personal the subject is.......i always give a straight n honest answer.i think it takes guts 2 ask someone,something....frankly n those guts deserve respect n straight answer.

but its soooooooo difficult 2 find a match....hvnt found many ppl thinking the same.but i keep searching n hoping....many times i reject ppl n sometimes,they reject me.....they think i come on too hard...

true...but i keep testing the waters...n most of the times,if not always......i can smell a rotting relationship,days ahead......

it disappoints me a little but dsnt make me give up.....it was still fun,while it lasted.

BLASTING MUMBAI



everytime,bombs blast in mumbai....i feel as if i hv got a little longer leash on life.
i kiss n cuddle my family,trying 2 believe that life is still larger than death.it can still overpower the stench of aimless death....my life is still intact,even if the world surrounding,resembles upside down chaos.

i used 2 be a miniscule part of mumbai n mumbai used 2 n still is a massive part of me.
i love the city.....its crowd n drainage n slums.
when i left it,i used 2 almost dream abt the beggers n street hawkers n chakkas.

the city hs a life n then it doesnt.
it seems that nothing ....however severe....can truly rattle the shapeless blob...called mumbai.
it may scare ppl,stop them in midstep...make them turn their heads for an instant....
but never make them ..not go on.

indifference is the skin of mumbai.no intensity...no emotions.
no one really feels anything..

regret is only momentary,if at all.......smile is fake....tears evaporate before reaching the cheeks.....
care abt another is basically relief that ''that another'' is not ''me''.
anger abt someone, is just a way of,cooling off the frustration abt something.
joy is meticulous n measured......risk is missed,if absent.

mornings r not abt a hot mug of coffee.....but abt,dry water taps,getting ready in dimlights 2 avoid waking up the kids at 4am,cooking both dinner n lunch in the same night,just few hours apart.
trains r not abt the speed n rhythm...but abt catching up on the lost hours of sleep.
usual faces on the train r not friends...its just the assurance,that the day is on schedule.

shame is an alien feeling for a mumbaiyya.roadside peeing is need,chakka is a profession,n romance is just a relief.
ppl r not choosy abt anything....everything is''make do''.any food is fine as long as its quick to get n eat.
words like petriotism,duty of a citizen,go green.....mean nothing 2 them.
cheap,glittering facade is the selling thing.no one needs depth,intensity,value n satisfaction.
peace of mind is a daily business....ppl get it when the whole family returns home,safe n sound,even though,at 10pm.
their family starts n ends with their blood.they barely get time 2 worry abt themselves...so worrying abt someone else,is just not practical.
motherhood is relative.its not abt spending time with kids,but abt teaching them  the survival mantras.

but the beauty lies in the fact,that no one is judgemental...u can get away with anything,however extreme....with just a glance..or a raised eyebrow.
even if the primary reason is lack of time,the attitude n mindset is equally responsible.
u can die n ur neighbour wdnt know till u start stinking.
no one wd care enough 2 be nosy,if u hv a taala outside ur door,for a week.

mumbai is like a huge,whole body with extensions.....running a race against time n itself.
if some part starts hurting or affecting the pace,mumbai may slow down,just enough 2 cut the part out but it wont stop n breath or shed a tear.

it mesmorises n hypnotises me...takes me off my feet everytime,even before i realise that,i am in mumbai.
i cry almost everytime,leaving it.i keep looking out my window,memorising the slums n crowds n concrete jungles n traffic n fly overs....as if i am abt 2 travel through a desert n saying my goodbyes 2 the oasis.

i forget that i am responsible for my kids...i keep seeing their mouths move but cant seem 2 hear the words.the beautiful pune-mumbai highway,makes me miserable.as we aproach pune,weather turns soothing n my family seems 2 relax....happy 2 leave mumbai behind n returning 2 the sane life of humans.

but i keep smelling the stink n hearing the noise n keep craving it like crazy.
mumbai is my first n forever love n everything else seems like a fling.

CREATOR OR CREATION?



i hv never understood,why ppl r gaga abt autographs?
why man is always more inportant than the creation?
is it not the creation,that makes u notice,the existance of its creator?
then why attach brand name2any creation?
why decide2 visit exhibitions...watch movies...buy books...n paintings.....just coz the artist is famous?
no man can create gr8 things,consistantly,every time....so why praise every creation of a man with equal ferver...just coz he created something gr8...once?
the journey of creation means a lot 2 its creator....n thats the reward he gets for his brilliance.that passion fuels his capability......
but for everybody else.......why shd it mean anything?isnt it true then,that the end product of that journey....which is the creation,shd be the only thing,that matters 2 the others?
then shdnt every creation be,evaluated independently,irrespective of the gr8ness of its creator?
how difficult or unusaul,the journey.....doesnt ever make the creator gr8...but how his creation is...surely makes him gr8.
why ppl watch all aamir knan movies?why do they assume that his movies will be always gr8 as he is very choosey abt the selection?why do they trust his judgement blindly instead of giving themselves a chance,2decide whether its a good movie?
why ppl ask avchat,what makes him paint?even if they know what makes him tick....can the same thing make them tick n be gr8 n original?
then why this impotent,faltoo curiosity?
i never desire 2 witness,a creator in action.....the only thing that matters 2 me is what hs he created at the end of his action.
any creation that hs power 2 move me immensely....either in good or bad way....is gr8 for me....then i remember the creator in relation 2 that creation....n never the other way round.
i think...once created...the creation stands alone.selfish n proud....not belonging 2 its creator,but 2 the world.
it engulfs its creator...n raises tall......above all......
above the story of its birth,the fame or lack of it,of its creator,its admirers..n the level of its appreciation.
a gr8 creation can move masses...as well as its creator.
so the creation shd be placed abv all....it shd be honored...creativity shd be worshiped...n the man shd simply be mentioned

i do believe in premonition.almost always i get a sinking feeling...way before the ship actually starts sinking.
the abt 2 sink ship being a relationship.
the debating issue is....whether this feeling brings on the sinking?coz THE SECRET tells me that whatever i think...shall be....
or do i really posses that special scorpio sixth sense that makes me feel things before they happen.....as LINDA GOODMAN tells me?
whatever the reason....everytime the feeling proves right.
so everytime i get this feeling....it brings on...beads of sweat on my forhead...a humangous pit in my stomach.....a dead weight on my chest...tremors in my movements....
many days following that feeling...are spent dreading that moment..when that ship will actually sink....
it wears me down...ages me by a decade...everytime.
its unbearable.....so much so that when the ship finally sinks......it actually brings a relief.
not all sinking ships kill me...but they leave me wet,alone...soaked 2 my bones...shivering...with the warmth of a relationship...deserting me.
but today...surprising me...the ship didnt sink.
yes,the wood was old n creaky....but it was solid n not rotten.
the ship was dependable n it took me safely thru the angry storm.
now the happiness is seeping through all the pores ...like sunshine after scary n lonely night.
i love u n always will...if i hvnt made u believe that...so far...then its entirely my fault.
ilack in expression but never doubt that i lack in emotion.
u n me cant avoid stormy nights but i am very glad n proud that we spent a very long time in building a very strong n reliable n eternal ship.

LONE.


tears flow,
chocking u......
heartbreak is usual,
but the pain is new.

heart is heavy....
flooded with emotions,
ur sick of the world,
n its pre-conceived notions.

u wana break away,
go on a vacation......
just u n ur happiness,
leaving back religion.

it makes u feel,
so very lonely.....
u resemble the duckling,
that was very ugly.

''do i look different?''
I keep asking....
when I find people,
suspeciously staring.

am i weird?
am i a misfit?....
may be i am original,
thats just abt it.

then comes the smile,
in the midst of tears.....
wiping all doubts n
pushing back fears....

they dont like me,
n i cdnt care less,
i also hv an opinion,
but its pointless 2express.

they r like a herd...
walking on the same path,
always scared of society,
n GOD'S wrath.

that path leads elsewhere,
so i simply cant follow...
when the vision is so blurring,
n the believes,so shallow.

i will walk alone,if i must,
hoping 2find,a self believer,
who hs taken a deserted path,
n walking with dare.

someday the world will understand,
n it will come around...
without the boundries of religion,gender n beauty...
there lays another heaven 2 be found.